So, I'm crazy

I know I'll get yelled at for saying this. But I feel crazy sometimes. I know I'm not actually crazy. I am neurotic. Oh, I have so many neuroses, but as far as I know, I'm not actually psychotic.

I don't know why I deal with things in such an inefficient way. I like to lock everything up inside of myself until I burst. I like to sit and think and reflect and I know that I can't do anything to change past events or anything like that, but a lot of my reflection is centered around what ifs and replaying things in my head. I suppose I shouldn't say that I "like" doing that, but that's how I'm used to doing it. I don't have a way that I prefer to deal, but it's not like I clear my schedule on a Friday night to do all of this.

I'm trying therapy again. I know therapy is good. At the very least, I can claim trendy. It rattles me, though. My therapist is able to accurately assess my motivations behind certain actions, and I hardly know him. I don't wish to be so transparent. I work to keep people out. I know, that's an issue, but I don't care! I like keeping control of who knows what. I like order and control. Honestly, there are worse ways to achieve this feeling. I eat normally, I don't exercise myself down to a certain weight...I think this is healthier.

I'm just cranky because change is hard and I'm stubborn.